Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
