He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
