smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Randomize