I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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