i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
