God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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