Im at strip club and am horny
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
