if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
