My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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