How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize