Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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