So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
