Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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