DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
