I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
