I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
lol hangovers are for mortals.
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