She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
