my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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