walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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