Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
