I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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