i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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