Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
