also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
