question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
