It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
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i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
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do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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