when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
