tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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