I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
