and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
