I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
