also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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