the condom got lost in my hair
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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