matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
