at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
