Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
