Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
