Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
