Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
cat food counts as protein by the way
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
