i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Randomize
