1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
