I didn't shave. On purpose
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Randomize
