when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
