I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
