Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
