All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
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