Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
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So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
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She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
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