I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
