I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize