But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Randomize
