forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
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I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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