the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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