My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
