How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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