Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I'm drive I can fine osifer
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
