She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
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I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
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drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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